[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs