Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you