Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No