ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
it was a valiant fight
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true