Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Why am I like this?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”