I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.