Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
So sick of all these stupid rules
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”