“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.