LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Somebody’s lying.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
choose your gary
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.