*puts my mental health in rice
You Might Also Like
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’