“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Bring back the McRib
But wait…
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else