*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato