If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Cause of death: Zumba
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.