I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.