I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.