What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?