Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.