I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!