[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
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A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
…żyje?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone