Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
the best thing i’ve ever made
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.