I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
When your man makes a valid point
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.