I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I have so many questions.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations