*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
You Might Also Like
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
constantly working on myself.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*