I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
He’s dead
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup