POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
This will never not be funny to me.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”