If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
and now we wait
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
britain’s three elite institutions
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Yeah. This was me today.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is