ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
me refusing to leave twitter
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?