I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay