My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming