Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”