“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.