[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”