-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
fixed it
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.