i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint