Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.