Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”