Just a phase…
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler