As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
A choir of Spring onions
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.