When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.