Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them