Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?