He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Don’t snitch tag.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.