AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
2 years later
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.