I have no passwords left in me
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please