I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]