I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…