genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Pass gas, not judgment.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show