You Might Also Like
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”