Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”