Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.